| All have a dream of perfection, of the | | | | a strict parent. |
| perfect mate who will understand their every | | | | |
| need before they say it and match their inner | | | | As people wait and long for this perfect |
| image of woman/man at their best. This person | | | | lover, they cannot see the person who is in |
| is the perfect complement, able to bring out | | | | front of them. That person becomes only |
| his best, free the person from inhibition; | | | | someone to fill up time, until the perfect |
| someone they will be proud to be seen with in | | | | person appears on the scene. When people |
| the world. | | | | leave this kind of secondary relationship, |
| | | | they may not feel as though they're leaving, |
| Some might say that this is really a search | | | | because they've never really been there in |
| for the Holy Grail. Others might suggest that | | | | the first place. They've never had the chance |
| clinging to this image of perfection is a | | | | to really know if this person could have been |
| defense, preventing a real life person from | | | | right for them or not. |
| being able to win the seeker's heart. | | | | |
| | | | When a person is seen simply as an extension |
| The yearning for the perfect mate manifests | | | | of one's identity, then seeking the perfect |
| itself differently, and has various | | | | woman is really seeking perfection in |
| consequences in a person's life. Some realize | | | | oneself. A person who lives this way is |
| what they're feeling. Others are entirely | | | | skating on thin ice. Only a strong sense of |
| unconscious of what is going on inside. | | | | self, based upon inner values and self |
| | | | respect will permit a person to create a |
| I was looking for perfection," said Hans, "I | | | | solid relationship that will last through |
| would only go out with extraordinarily | | | | time and grow richer and fuller, rather than |
| beautiful women - models, women like that. | | | | blow away in the wind. |
| Then, when I met someone who seemed to fit | | | | |
| the bill there was initial crush and a | | | | Hans continued, "I finally just got |
| certain period when it kept up. e. Then she | | | | completely bored with it all. I don't know if |
| got on my nerves.I would suddenly start to | | | | it was age, or if I was just becoming more |
| realize little things that they weren't | | | | aware, but I never had a feeling of |
| perfect; her skin, way of talking - really | | | | fulfillment, no matter how many women I had. |
| superficial, silly things. From that moment, | | | | |
| I was basically leaving them all the time. | | | | Finally I met someone who was better for me. |
| | | | This was a completely different situation |
| One of the powerful aspects of waiting for | | | | from my other relationships. Probably though, |
| the perfect lover is the belief that the | | | | I had to change and grow, so I could meet and |
| person will always stay exactly the same. | | | | appreciate a person like my wife. |
| Based upon an image, rather than reality,we | | | | |
| believe that this person can never be touched | | | | Hans had to go through a period of emptiness, |
| by the ravages of time. But when we seek an | | | | and depression as he realized the unreality |
| image, rather than reality, inevitably things | | | | of his search. An image brings only temporary |
| fall apart. | | | | pleasure. It can never bring fulfillment. In |
| | | | order to find real love, Hans started to work |
| Each person has their own specific dream of | | | | on himself, to meditate, take long walks, and |
| the perfect lover or mate For some she's | | | | find what was important in his life. As he |
| beautiful, sexual, unconditionally loving, | | | | did this, he was taking responsibility for |
| giving him whatever he wants. She seldom | | | | making himself happy, finding his own core. |
| talks back and gives little trouble. She is | | | | As he felt better about himself, he felt |
| there predominantly to glorify him, reflect | | | | better with others as well. Soon he began to |
| on his manhood and sexual prowess. Who she is | | | | appreciate the different women he met for who |
| as a person is secondary. Not only is it | | | | they truly were. From this vantage point it |
| secondary, in many cases her personality, | | | | became easy to find a relationship that would |
| ambitions and individuation seriously get in | | | | truly nourish both of them. |
| the way. | | | | |
| | | | When we make someone else into an image, we |
| For others the perfect lover is tough. She'll | | | | are simultaneously doing the same to |
| challenge, stimulate, perhaps even abuse. | | | | ourselves. An image can never bring |
| She's there to make him toe the line, perhaps | | | | happiness; only a real flesh and blood person |
| reminiscent of his childhood experiences with | | | | who we respect and admire, can do that. |