| Have you noticed that, in our culture, slurs | | | | 2. Emotional flooding, a diffuse |
| about gender, class, race and sex have become | | | | physiological arousal whereby several body |
| fairly commonplace and are often even seen as | | | | systems are mobilized, often occurs in a |
| humorous by some? Howard Stern, Ann Coulter, | | | | crisis. This process is activated in a |
| Jesse Jackson and Bill O'Reilly, to name a | | | | relationship when tensions are high and |
| few well known pundits, have been busy | | | | communication stalls. It becomes difficult |
| playing the 'can you top this' game. And pop | | | | to listen, to think clearly or to resolve |
| culture icon Sasha Baron Cohen, thanks to his | | | | disagreements. Developing skills to soothe |
| edgy jokes in the movie Borat, won | | | | yourself and calm your partner can help |
| Hollywood's coveted Golden Globe award. | | | | minimize the buildup of negative feelings and |
| Nevertheless, shock jock Don Imus crossed the | | | | resentments. |
| line when he called the women of the Rutgers | | | | |
| basketball team "nappy headed hos." His | | | | 3. In the midst of a heated argument, any one |
| remark stirred up all sorts of feelings - of | | | | of these phrases would be welcomed by a |
| outrage, vulnerability, anger - not easily | | | | partner who is feeling misunderstood: I might |
| put to rest. | | | | be wrong; stay with me and don't withdraw; I |
| | | | see my part in all of this; let's find our |
| What happens in the media is not that | | | | common ground; I do love you and we'll work |
| different from what transpires between | | | | this out. |
| couples when emotionally charged discussions | | | | |
| get completely out of hand. Stephanie had | | | | 4. Most arguments are generally less |
| seen the results of untamed aggression in her | | | | emotionally painful and destructive if the |
| own life and slowly learned how to prevent | | | | couple has a reserve of shared positive |
| it. Growing up, her parents were always | | | | feelings and interactions. If you |
| angry with each other. She hoped that they | | | | characteristically turn toward rather than |
| would divorce but they stayed together and | | | | away from each other, the accumulated |
| just kept on fighting. She vowed that her | | | | goodwill provides a cushioning effect. You |
| life would be different: | | | | can draw from this emergency supply of |
| | | | affection in times of stress or conflict. |
| "I couldn't wait to move out. Over the years | | | | |
| I broke off so many relationships that could | | | | 5. To build emotional dividends, try |
| have worked, but I was afraid of ending up | | | | something as simple as connecting daily. You |
| just like my parents. At 42, after years of | | | | can leave your partner an affectionate text |
| therapy, I finally felt secure and strong | | | | message or express genuine appreciation for a |
| enough to take the plunge. Now, almost every | | | | kind gesture. |
| day since I got married, I wake up and make a | | | | |
| conscious decision to focus on the positives | | | | 6. Compose a list of what you most value |
| in my relationship. And if I have to fight, | | | | about each other and make sure it reflects |
| I fight fair." | | | | positive characteristics you admire. Is your |
| | | | partner intelligent, generous, energetic, |
| Whether it is gender baiting, childish | | | | supportive, adventurous, calm, dependable or |
| competition or locker room humor, the hurt | | | | loving? At least once a week, share one item |
| feelings cut deep both ways. And have | | | | from your list and give an example that |
| lasting effects. What follows are a set of | | | | illustrates how you feel. |
| six verbal tools that can help your | | | | |
| conversations - and your relationships - get | | | | So don't make it a question of who can call |
| back on the right track. | | | | who what, where to draw the line or who can |
| | | | cross it. Get more practice talking |
| 1. All couples get angry and have arguments. | | | | courteously with your partner about |
| During these difficult times you can minimize | | | | differences. Be responsive and create a |
| emotional overload if you focus only on the | | | | comfortable and safe place so that your |
| specific subject at hand. Don't blame your | | | | discussions - and even your conflicts - will |
| partner or get defensive. Take some personal | | | | be open and honest. As you listen with |
| responsibility for what's going on and be | | | | intention and respond with respect, you send |
| willing to negotiate a compromise. | | | | a most powerful statement of how much you |
| | | | really care. |